“Oh no,” I whispered as I looked at the words on my computer screen. Or, more precisely I looked at the words in Google Docs that I had typed two days earlier only to look at them again and find out I’d misspelled someone’s name. Shaking my head, I internally lamented having to do 500 things at once, and how no one can ever really multi-task without things falling out of the bottom of the to-do list like rice through the bottom of a colander. Add in sheer exhaustion, and I feel extremely blessed that more doesn’t go wrong.
Except in your personal life if something goes wrong – like you misspell someone’s name -you can shrug it off with a smile. Not so much when it’s your professional life and there’s no way to fix it. I’m just thankful it wasn’t in a story, but in a list that most people don’t read or connect with me anyway. Sound horrible? I think so too. But, sometimes there’s just no way to fix something that’s already gone out, and the weird thing is that people usually see what they want to see anyway. And, that’s exactly what happened with this name. It typically ends in a “y” but with this person it ends in an “i”, and I literally saw “y” so that’s what I typed in – can you hear the forehead slap from where you’re sitting?
And so the journey goes.
For some of you, you may not think that what I accidentally did was such a big deal, but I’m pretty particular about stuff like at – at least I try to be. Yet, what I’ve found in the last 3 years is that there’s been a slow slide into just trying to get things done, and not exactly doing them in the same way I would have before this state of being started. In fact, I’ve found that for awhile now I can totally relate to Sisyphus continually rolling a huge boulder uphill , only to have to roll it up again, and again, and again – ad nauseum.
What I’ve also found is the longer it goes on, the more difficult it becomes, which is not at all what you’d expect. ‘Practice makes perfect’ is what we’ve all been raised with in the American culture. This may be true – for me, the juries been out on that one-. I don’t think it’s the repetitiveness of care-giving that makes it more difficult and exhausting as time goes by, but it’s the continual additions to it that make the load just that much heavier all the time, until it feels like all the plates that you’re spinning will come crashing down.
In addition to the everyday routine of taking care of my mom, I’ve found that the doable amount of my mom’s doctors appointment’s and the like during a week that still allows me to do my work – full-time I might add – from home, is 2. Anything over 2 appointments, and everything seems to go way out of whack – and when I say, way out of whack, I mean sliding into the land of bizarre that would make Tim Burton jealous. And, there’s no slow slide to it either, it’s everything’s going along okay, then BANG it all flips on its side and your trying to catch everything that’s falling all over the place.
Honestly, I’ve read a lot of articles on care-giving and trying to lighten the load for the caregiver, but none of the ways they give to help seem even the remotest way realistic - like eat better, exercise more, take time for yourself. If you have no time, how are you supposed to take more of something you don’t have in the first place? -. And, I don’t have a solution for it either, except that I’m blessed that I have a pretty great God to cling to, and somehow just hanging out with him makes all the difference even when my world is sliding into the land of the biazarre.